By JEFF EDELSTEIN

A video cassette recorder and a video cassette.
That’s how my dad explained sex to me.
And no, he didn’t show me grainy recording of some 1950s sex-ed film.
Nor did he pop in a bootlegged copy of “Debbie Does Dallas.” What he did, precisely, was demonstrate how humans have sex by using the VCR as the feminine and the video cassette as the masculine.
Go ahead. Take a moment. I understand.
I got this talk probably around 10 or 12 or somewhere in there, and I can assure you, despite my father’s best intentions, the VCR lesson wasn’t exactly a rousing success when it came to explaining the birds and the bees to me.
By the time I got to 7th grade, the school system began teaching me about sex. Now, I don’t mean to disparage gym teachers, as I’ve found virtually all of them in my schooling life to be most pleasant human beings, but really: They should not have been teaching me about sex.
It’s a miracle I’m not still a virgin.
Gym teachers still teach sex-ed, right? Who made this original decision?
I’ll tell you who it wasn’t: Someone with any sense. Really, teaching about sex is pretty important, and we’re leaving it to people who … well, who are gym teachers. Again, nothing against gym teachers, I swear, but it just seems odd.
You ask me? There should be legit professionals in the classrooms with our kids, and it should start at an early age. How early? Well, I’ll leave that to the sex ed professionals. The whole mystery of sex — which, let’s not forget, is right up there with “eat food” and “find shelter” as far as biological imperatives go — should not be so mysterious. In fact, the earlier and less mysterious we make sex to our kids, the less chance they’ll end up doing something stupid, like get pregnant or get someone else pregnant.
(So to be clear: Abstinence education? BWAHAHAHAHAHA!)
I have a boy and a girl. He’s 3, she’s 2. So I don’t yet speak from experience. But when the time comes, I want them to have a solid knowledge base when it comes to sex so they don’t go off into the wild, all wily-nily with their wilys and their nillys all geared up for something they’re just plain stupid about.
— Jeff Edelstein can be reached at facebook.com/jeffreyedelstein and twitter.com/jeffedelstein.