By L.A. PARKER
laparker@trentonian.com
So, a coworker told me the other day: “Hey, there’s one thing I won’t talk about at work.”
A pause preceded his answer.
“Religion.”
If you can’t talk about religion at work, then it’s really not worth having the discussion anywhere else. A discussion about the Mets starting rotation or how bad the Yankees will be this season could cause a ruckus.
Religion and this week’s topic regarding the significance of Pope Francis, formerly known as Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, seems tame enough.
Truthfully, I did not understand the hysteria regarding a new pope, although it’s pretty cool the way they use white smoke regarding a successor.
I don’t understand how one person impacts your ordinary Catholic’s life. He sounded wonderfully interested in helping the poor, but does his generosity translate to Catholics opening their wallets?
Should Trenton’s Catholic Diocese expect a windfall based on Pope Francis’ philanthropic direction?
A report detailed that Cardinal Bergoglio once used public transportation instead of a chauffeured limousine, cooked his own meals, stayed not in the bishop’s palace but in an apartment.
I don’t know if it’s possible to do Pope on the cheap, so to speak.
At some point, Pope Francis will speak on abortion, same-sex marriage, or contraception. His positions as an archbishop on these subjects are already known, but once spoken, will his thoughts change behavior, convince Catholics to spare contraception in place of a spoiled child.
“We should commit ourselves to ‘eucharistic coherence,’ that is, we should be conscious that people cannot receive holy communion and at the same time act or speak against the commandments, in particular when abortion, euthanasia, and other serious crimes against life and family are facilitated. The responsibility applies particularly to legislators, governors and health professionals,” Bergoglio communicated in 2007.
A CNN survey alleged that 75 percent of polled Catholics said they will more likely make their own decisions on moral questions than to follow Pope Francis’ teachings.
Hmmmmm. Sounds as if Catholics move toward an establishment of their own beliefs, a situation that exists in many other religious circles.
Essentially, Catholics celebrated a new leader but commit toward a self indulgent path for their lives.
If religion continues to conform to human behavior rather than maintain order, especially regarding Christ’s teachings, then this world will yield to destruction.
So, is Pope Francis relevantly important? Only if Catholics follow his lead. Which appears doubtful. Then no.
— L.A. Parker is a Trentonian columnist. He can be reached at laparker@trentonian.com.

In this weekly feature, found first in the print edition of The Trentonian every Wednesday, our two heavyweight columnists, L.A. Parker and Jeff Edelstein will square off against one another, with dueling columns on the same topic.

In the lead-up to each Split Decision, our writers agree on a topic then head off to their respective corners to pen their pieces. Then, each Wednesday, you'll get two unique takes on the same subject.

In this round of Split Decision, L.A. and Jeff stake out their positions on the situation that's arisen around Gov. Chris Christie's wife's charity for victims of Hurricane Sandy.

Check out L.A.'s piece here and take a look at Jeff's over here, and tomorrow we'll be launching a poll to see who you thought had the right idea on the subject.

By L.A. PARKER
laparker@trentonian.com
Gov. Chris Christie reminds me a lot of my father.
No nonsense, Straight shooter. Bully.
Willie Lee Parker had a strong-arm approach to life as leader of his Winslow family household: “Do as I say, not as I do.”
So, it’s not surprising to see Gov. Christie doublecross on this dustup regarding delay in disbursing $32 million in donations to victims of Hurricane Sandy from a charity run by his wife.
First, this is the governor’s wife. I like the fact that he defends and supports his family. More husbands should follow Mr. Christie’s lead on being there when family members need rescue from a print journalist’s enlightening report.
Read more »

The winner of our latest Split Decision poll? L.A. Parker!

L.A. Parker took away 80 percent of the vote in this week's poll, asking our readers which column they preferred about how and when to talk to kids about sex.
Better luck next time Jeff!
You can take another look at L.A.'s winning column here.
Stay tuned right here tomorrow, when we'll announce the next topic for our two writers to tackle.

Welcome to Split Decision!



In this weekly feature, found first in the print edition of The Trentonian every Wednesday, our two heavyweight columnists, L.A. Parker and Jeff Edelstein will square off against one another, with dueling columns on the same topic.

In the lead-up to each Split Decision, our writers agree on a topic then head off to their respective corners to pen their pieces. Then, each Wednesday, you'll get two unique takes on the same subject.

In this round of Split Decision, L.A. and Jeff stake out their positions on when and how to talk to kids about sex.
Check out Jeff's piece here and L.A.'s column here.

By L.A. PARKER

This week’s topic produced a conversation with a co-worker about sex talk and kids.
She made the ultimate confession.
“We call our (5-year-old) daughter’s private area her ‘HooHoo,’” she said.
Mind you, not to be confused with “WooHoo!,” a celebratory expression used by a close friend about every good occurrence in her life.
The last mistake we need is a grown woman’s “WooHoo” being confused with “HooHoo.” Or even “YooHoo” for that matter.
Some women in South Ward bars advertise their “HooHoos.”
And please, don’t associate “HooHoo” with any of the good people living in “Whoville.”
One can imagine that rhyme.
“All the grownups in Whoville, loved sex a lot. Indulged in their trysts with Jack Daniels and pot.”
“But the Grinch, who lived nearby despised such a thing, he understood penis but not ding-a-ling.”
(See Chuck Berry, 1972 “My Ding-a-ling)
OK, so I’m not Dr. Seuss.
But you see where I’m headed with this. If our society expects to claim any normalcy we better reference our private parts with universal names.
By the way, a website reported more than 250 words Americans use in place of “penis.” It’s partner of interest “vagina” racked up a similar count, sort of like George Carlin’s Seven Dirty Words times 40.
Knowledge of sex and how the body works provides children with important information that enlightens and protects.
It’s all age appropriate though. I think that a child is more than ready for correct anatomical names by the time they are 3. By then, hopefully, you have not given a “Mr. Wilkins” title or “Land Down Under” to any private area.
Another co-worker said he has always referred to “testicles” as onions.
“I tell my son, you have to protect those onions,” he admitted.
Wait a minute. Does that mean that onions can switch places with testicles? Can you imagine the child’s upset when his father orders a South Philly cheesesteak with fried onions?
That boy will need about five years of psychiatric treatment to avoid some kind of emotional reaction whenever anyone orders onions.
If your child never asks about sex, then at some point, you need to broach the subject.
My mother had birthed 10 children by the time I was 11 years old. Until then, I knew only that babies were showing up at a rapid pace.
My teens offered another challenge. I didn’t understand any of the secret coding being used by teenaged girls.
“My Aunt Flo is in town,” one might say.
“Oh, yeah. Where’s she from?”
The classic menstruation story (every male just winced) occurred at about age seven.
My mom handed me a note to carry to the small town market on Main St.
I slipped the note onto the counter then waited as the clerk disappeared behind a curtain.
Very clandestine stuff. He returned with a brown paper bag.
I met a friend on a nearby lot. We took the box out of the bag and tossed it around like a football.
I headed home, flipped the box into the air as I raced past town people.
My mom nearly fainted as I walked into the house with an exposed box of tampons.
Sonny Jurgensen had passed for a touchdown to Pete Retzlaff. Went deep again for a score to Tommy McDonald with a sanitary product.
The New York Football Giants created the “Tampon Two” defense following the Eagles aerial assault.
Bottom line, teach kids about sex, their bodies, safety, and make every word sound wonderfully natural.
Down the road you can talk about contraception, STDS, etc.
Enjoy and celebrate when this is all over.
I hear the Whoville residents love to party.

Welcome to Split Decision!



In this weekly feature, found first in the print edition of The Trentonian every Wednesday, our two heavyweight columnists, L.A. Parker and Jeff Edelstein will square off against one another, with dueling columns on the same topic.

In the lead-up to each Split Decision, our writers agree on a topic then head off to their respective corners to pen their pieces. Then, each Wednesday, you'll get two unique takes on the same subject.

In this second round of Split Decision, L.A. and Jeff take opposing positions on the question of whether immigrants to the United States should be made to learn and speak English. Check out L.A.'s take on the subject here, and Jeff's here, and decide which column you agree with more.

Almost 15 years ago, a girlfriend and I visited Paris for 10 days.

We stayed in a Princeton artist’s apartment situated in a section known as “Rive Gauche” — or “Left Bank”.

The area had previously welcomed Pablo Picasso, Ernest Hemingway, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Jean Paul-Sartre and Henri Matisse, dynamic contributors to arts, literature and philosophy.

Anyway, this American in Paris could hardly speak a word of French while the eventual ex-girlfriend had mastered the language of romance.

My French speaking resembled Pepe Le Pew, while hers sizzled like the radioactivity of Poland-born but Paris-educated Madame Marie Curie.

Franc-ly, I could not buy a baguette without fumbling over myself. She, on the other hand, whisked us without a hitch from café to Montmartre.

In other words, understanding a country’s primary language made for easy transition.

Immigrants, especially from Spanish speaking countries, should understand that by learning English, they can get from here to there, or de aqui para alla, with fewer challenges.

I got all excited about making blueberry pancakes yesterday morning until noticing that there were instructions written in both English and Spanish on the Aunt Jemima box. This is getting worse than Christmas creep.

My welcome mat has been rolled out for all immigrants whether they originate from Poland, Ecuador, Russia, Liberia, Costa Rica, etc.

This is not a request to relinquish their history, customs, food, music, not even their native language but the “King’s English” is essentially, well, king.

Usually, second generations lose touch with their native language but there is encouragement here for every immigrant to remain connected to their country’s language. Never lose touch with those historical components that establish your diversity in these United States.

In less than a year, approximately 11 million predominantly Spanish-speaking immigrants along with a significant number of Europeans will be offered a pathway toward citizenship.

Immigration will change the face of America. But even the influx of millions will not alter our need to speak one common language.

Immigration must lead to assimilation.

Don’t give me that “in time things will change” argument. Current immigration events arrive supremely different than when immigrants landed on Ellis Island.

Technology allows our current immigrant population to listen to radio, television, text, and read newspapers in their home country’s language.

By the way, this might be a good time for American-born citizens to learn English, plus, a second language.

We continue to drown in a vocabulary laced with “dis,” “dat” and “duh.”

If I hear one more person say “axe” instead of “ask”, you may hear a request for their deportation.

Finally, forget all the prompts about hearing or understanding this response in another language.

You don’t get to press “1” for Spanish. Or, “2” for Polish. None of that.

If you need a translation — English 101 awaits.

— L.A. Parker is a Trentonian columnist. Reach him at laparker@Trentonian.com.

Welcome to Split Decision!

In this weekly feature, found first in the print edition of The Trentonian every Wednesday, our two heavyweight columnists, L.A. Parker and Jeff Edelstein will square off against one another, with dueling columns on the same topic.

In the lead-up to each Tuesday, our writer agree on a topic then head off to their respective corners to pen their pieces. Then, each Wednesday, you'll get two unique takes on the same subject.

In our first take on this new feature, the guys settle on the topic of cell phone use in public.

In L.A.'s piece, he recounts an episode of public phone sex he overheard in a grocery store, while Jeff explains why no one should be allowed to use their phones in public...except him.

By L.A. PARKER

OK, this is it, a clash of the titanics, I mean titans, involving me, L.A. “The Truth” Parker and Jeff “Kid” Edelstein.

The guy in the other corner could not come up with a good enough handle, so, for now, it’s “Kid” but hopefully that will change by next week.

Furthermore, I agreed to this weekly showdown hoping that my esteemed opponent might exchange ideas about serious topics, stuff like Gov. Christie’s weight, President Obama’s immigration plan, should the government pay individuals to be fixed before they bring more kids into the world that they will not care for? And so on.

This week, in a first-round meeting, Edelstein and I get to discuss cell phone use in public places.

Read more »